


At War

by RootsArrow (SparklingDarkAngel)



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Idk where Marci is in this fic so we’re just gonna pretend she’s not here, M/M, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Pre Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 15:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17531162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparklingDarkAngel/pseuds/RootsArrow
Summary: Fisk is defeated, so Matt’s happy ending should fall perfectly into place, right? Real life is rarely that simple, but Foggy is determined to make it work anyways.





	At War

**Author's Note:**

> The following fic contains non-graphic suicidal thoughts. Please read with care.

I’ve been a soldier in every battle but my own  
Never surrendering I fought each war alone  
Only surviving, never winning  
I’ve never had a life worth living  
-Letters From The Fire

XXX

He witnessed it again every night. The gunshot pierced the air. The blood pooled onto the street. And Matthew could only sit helplessly as his father died in front of him night after night. He cried out for help, and every night it was the same. There was a woman at the orphanage, Sister Maggie, who was kind to him. She would wipe away his tears and hold his trembling hand until he fell back asleep, but she couldn’t save his father. Jack Murdock always disappeared as soon as Matt snapped back to reality. Still, he was grateful for her presence because it was the only time when he didn’t feel truly alone in the universe. 

Matt screamed for help because he knew she would always be there, until she wasn’t. 

The nightmare was the same as every other night. He heard the gunshot, and he stumbled his way outside, crying for his dad. It was Jack’s scent that brought the blind boy to him, like cold sweat and adrenaline. Matt ran to him, but there was something wrong. There was too much blood. The stench hung in the air, making him want to choke. He fell at his father’s side and stretched his hand forwards. As his fingertips grazed over the warm dampness of his father’s clothes, he froze. 

That was when the screaming began. “Help!” Matt cried as loud as his young lungs would let him. “Help! I need help!” The world moved beneath him, and the cold cement under his knees was replaced with suffocating cotton wrapped around his legs. Blood no longer tainted the air, replaced by the old, musty scent of wood. “Help!” he screamed again as he fought to free his legs from the blanket. He tugged too hard and rolled off the side of the bed, landing face-down on the hard floor with his legs still trapped. With no energy left to fight, he curled in on himself and sobbed until he passed out. 

The next morning, Matt picked himself up off the floor and pretended nothing had happened. Sister Maggie said nothing to him, and he understood that the woman had simply had enough of taking care of him. It was probably for the best, seeing as Matt was the one who set his own father down the path that got him killed. 

He never screamed out for anyone in the night ever again. 

XXX

After the reopening of Nelson and Murdock, everything seemed to fall into a sense of normalcy. Matt thought it would be a relief, but it only made him uneasy. He spent every minute tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Working with Foggy and Karen again was more than he’d dared hope for, yet he was still unhappy. There was a new distance between them, and Matt couldn’t blame them. After all, he was the one who’d hurt them. With Elektra and Stick pulling him into the war with The Hand, taking too much of his time away from the firm, it was only a matter of time before Foggy and Karen moved on. 

And then a building collapsed on top of him, and Matt found it much easier to sink into his grief than let his friends know he survived. 

If either Karen or Foggy realized that Matt was distant, they never said anything. Matt showed up to work everyday and stopped keeping Daredevil’s secrets from them, so to his friends he probably seemed just fine. 

He wasn’t. 

A warm hand on his shoulder startled him out of his trance. Matt nearly fell out of his seat, but he caught himself once he recognized Foggy’s scent. “Shit Matt, are you alright?” his partner asked. “I called your name at least a dozen times.”

“Just lost in thought,” Matt responded, trying to steady his own heart rate. People rarely snuck up on him, and it always unnerved him. According to Foggy’s speeding heart, it unnerved him too. 

“Are you sure?” Foggy pressed. “Are you... are you hurt?”

Matt shook his head. “No Foggy, I’m alright,” he assured his friend. 

He expected Foggy to return to his own desk, but he hovered by Matt’s side still. “Karen and I were thinking now would be a good time to take a break and go out for lunch. Are you game?”

The thought of food made his stomach roll, but he couldn’t say that and cause his friends to worry needlessly over him. Instead he forced a smile. “That’d be nice,” he agreed. 

Karen stood and let out a soft, pleased hum. “I think the Chinese place across the street misses us,” she announced. It was actually a good place where the food didn’t taste like a factory, but Matt still couldn’t convince his stomach to feel hungry. He pushed the impending nausea to the back of his mind, gathered his walking stick, and followed his friends out. Secretly, he wished either of his friends would offer their arm to him. They didn’t. It wasn’t as if he needed it, but it did help. 

The city was loud. Matt put all his focus into tracking Foggy and Karen. The tapping of Karen’s heels harmonized with the softer thud of Foggy’s feet, creating a song for him to follow. He didn’t know why he hung back or why his stomach continued to twist itself. The smell of the restaurant settled over the crowd, and Matt considered turning around and leaving. But he couldn’t. His friends deserved better. 

Suddenly, Matt realized he had lost them. Their footsteps had faded into the city’s cacophony, and their scents were drowned out. He strained his ears, but all he could make out was the crowd. 

“Matt!”

He sighed in relief as Foggy appeared at his side and grabbed his arm. The other man’s grip was strong, conveying his worry. “What the hell happened?”

“Nothing,” Matt replied, but he knew Foggy wouldn’t be brushed off like that. “I just lost you for a moment.” 

“How?”

Matt sighed in frustration. Ever since learning about Daredevil, Foggy treated him as if he wasn’t blind. Nobody really understood his senses. Stick had, but he was gone now. It was sad to think the only person who’d understood him abandoned him, so he pushed that thought far to the back of his mind. “I’m sorry,” he replied helplessly. 

He could feel the tension leave Foggy’s body as he spoke. “No, I’m sorry. I should have been paying closer attention,” he said softly. He released Matt’s arm. Matt frowned at losing contact until he felt Foggy’s arm firmly nudge his own, a clear invitation. A warmth settled in Matt’s chest as he moved into the familiar crook of Foggy’s elbow. 

“You know that you can always ask me for help, right?” Foggy prompted gently. The beating of his heart gave away his insecurity. Matt nodded and tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat. “Come on. Karen’s waiting for us.”

XXX

The days after Stick left were some of the worst. Matt found that he couldn’t even drag himself out of bed, despite the nuns’ insistence. He’d lost the only thing he really looked forward to. He thought Stick was his friend. He was wrong. 

Sister Maggie brought his meals to him, and Matt ate only because he didn’t want to appear disrespectful. Anyways, it was only a matter of time before she grew tired of him again and stopped. 

Stick had grown tired of him too. Matt understood. He was too clingy. After what he did to his father, it was stupid to think anyone would actually want to care for him. That was how his father died. 

His mother was the smart one. She didn’t even stick around to get to know him. 

XXX

It was odd to think, as he collapsed onto his couch, that he had become exactly what Stick wanted him to be. Maybe he wasn’t a soldier in Stick’s battle, but he was fighting everyone else’s fight, either as a lawyer by day or vigilante by night. The only battle he wasn’t fighting was for his own needs. 

Footsteps headed towards his door, and all the subtle sounds and smells let him know it was Foggy. With a sigh, Matt pushed himself off the couch. He opened his door right as his friend was about to knock. “Still not used to that,” Foggy muttered. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Matt answered. He stepped aside to let Foggy in and closed the door behind him. “What brings you here?”

“I don’t know,” Foggy admitted, pausing in the middle of the room. “You seemed off today. I just wanted to check on you.”

His heartbeat remained steady. “I’m fine,” Matt replied. 

“You barely ate anything at lunch,” Foggy countered. “I thought things would start to get better again, but I still feel like you’ve been keeping me at arm’s length. I tried to give you space, you know to see if you’d come back to me on your own. Matt, I thought you were dead. I don’t know what you’re going through right now, but I want to help.”

For some reason, Foggy’s words felt like a punch to the gut. Matt sighed and crossed the room back to his couch. After a moment, Foggy sat next to him. “Please don’t shut me out,” he whispered. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Matt replied, sounding hollow. 

“Just tell me how I can help.”

Matt wanted to tell him that he already did more than anything, but the words stuck in his throat. He knew they would sound empty to his friend anyways. However, there was something else he was craving. Slowly, he leaned towards Foggy, giving him plenty of time to refuse him before Matt rested his head on the other man’s shoulder. Foggy’s heart picked up, but after another minute it settled again. He found Matt’s hand and wrapped his fingers around the other’s bruised knuckles. “I got you, Matty,” Foggy assured him. “I got you.”

XXX

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that he wasn’t what Elektra wanted, but it still stung when she ran out on him. It seemed everyone who learned about his senses wanted a fighter, everything his father didn’t want him to be. His father was a prime example of why he shouldn’t fight for other people. That was how he got killed; fighting when he shouldn’t have to make Matt happy. Those weren’t footsteps he wanted to follow in, and if he had to shut everyone else out to protect himself he would. 

“Are you okay, buddy? You’ve been even quieter than normal,” Foggy commented over dinner. 

Matt faked a smile and picked at his food. “I’m fine,” he lied. He envied Foggy. The other man was an open book. Life seemed so simple with him. He was kind and patient with Matt and so, so accepting. And that was why Matt could never tell him the truth, because that’s when acceptance stopped and the others started to take advantage of him. 

That wouldn’t happen again. Matt would make sure of it. 

“Well eat up because tomorrow’s the big test, and you need all your strength,” Foggy urged him. 

This time, Matt’s smile was real. The idea of having Foggy around forever made the idea that everyone else had abandoned him hurt less. Still, the voice of doubt whispered in Matt’s ear. He shoved it far to the back of his mind, determined to enjoy Foggy’s company for as long as he could. 

XXX

It hadn’t been long before Foggy passed out on the couch. While he slept, Matt snuck up to the roof. The night air chilled him as he sat staring at the skyline. He didn’t sleep much these days. His dreams were haunted by the voices of his past. 

Jack was there to remind him that he was cursed with the devil inside him. 

Stick was there to remind him that he was weak. 

Elektra was there to remind him of just how badly he’d failed. 

And lastly, Fisk was there to taunt him with the reminder that he was too weak to even kill himself. 

“You know, you could do it now,” Fisk suggested, his voice sending a chill down Matt’s spine. “You weren’t able to do it after Midland Circle. But you can do it now.”

“It’s the only way to lift our curse,” Jack agreed. 

“You may have had a purpose in taking me down, but that’s gone now,” Fisk continued. 

“You couldn’t save me,” Elektra piped in. “What makes you think you can save anyone else you love from your enemies?”

“You can’t,” Stick scoffed. “You were too weak when I was training you, and you’re too weak now!”

“Matt?”

Foggy’s voice startled Matt out of his tormented entrancement. He could hear his friend in his apartment walking towards the open window. It only took Foggy another minute to climb out onto the ledge to find him. “What are you doing up here, Matt? It’s freezing.”

“I don’t know,” Matt admitted. “I thought things would get better too, but they haven’t. Maybe Matt Murdock should have died after all.”

As soon as he heard Foggy’s heart speed up, he felt guilty for saying it, but at the same time it felt good to finally say it out loud. His friend sat beside him on the cold roof, so close that their legs were touching. “What makes you think that?” he asked gently. 

“I only survived Midland Circle because I still needed to take down Fisk,” Matt explained. “There’s nothing left for me now. I’m cursed, Foggy. That’s why everyone-“ He inhaled a shaky breath, stopping himself before he could say too much. Stick would be disgusted. 

Foggy took Matt’s hand in his own and squeezed tightly. “That’s why everyone what?” he prompted. Inside his stomach, Matt felt an unfamiliar lump. He shook his head, not trusting his own voice. “Why everyone leaves?”

“Yeah,” Matt responded. 

The two stayed silent for a minute. Matt drowned out the rest of the city by putting his focus solely on Foggy: his heartbeat, his breaths, and his scent. “Matt...” Foggy sighed sadly. He placed his fingers along Matt’s chin and gently moved the other’s face towards him. With shaky breaths, Matt let himself be led until he could feel Foggy’s warm breath against his face. Slowly, they moved into each other, and Foggy placed a chaste kiss against his lips. 

Matt felt like all the air had been knocked out of him. He touched his lips softly, still feeling the touch of Foggy’s lips. “What was that for?” he whispered. 

“That was for I love you,” Foggy replied, quiet but confident. His heart beat firmly with the truth. 

“I love you too, Foggy,” Matt replied. “I always have.”

Heavy silence hung in between them as Matt’s emotions threatened to bury him alive. Stick had tried to beat the feelings out of him, yet here he was with a heart full of love and... happy. Or at least he had the chance to be. He wasn’t sure he was capable of it anymore.

“You may think you have no purpose outside of being Daredevil, but that’s not true,” Foggy began. “I need you. But so do others. Matt Murdock is just as much of a hero as Daredevil is. Just think of all the people Nelson and Murdock has helped.” 

While it was true, and Matt knew it deep down, he still didn’t feel it. As if sensing his growing distress, Foggy wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Your worth isn’t based on what you can do for other people,” Foggy continued. “And you’re not cursed. You’ve just had a lot of bad shit happen to you.”

“Isn’t that what a curse is?” Matt shot back, amused. 

“My point is that things aren’t going to always suck,” Foggy replied. “Plus you have me, and I’m never going to let you go.”

Matt relaxed into Foggy’s embrace and sighed contentedly. He didn’t need his super senses to feel the other man’s heart drumming in his chest, and it didn’t take a genius to know that Foggy was just as scared as him. That just made everything hurt all the more. “I don’t know what to do now,” Matt admitted. 

“There’s no rule book to tell us where we go from here,” Foggy said. “All I’m asking is that we figure this out together. 

Matt nodded. His chest felt like it was radiating heat, warming him up against the night chill. “Okay,” he agreed. “Together.”

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t hate Maggie. I just needed to get inside Matt’s head.


End file.
